An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.

Fred Allen
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California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.

Fred Allen
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I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.

Fred Allen
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I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

Fred Allen
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All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it.

Fred Allen
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Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.

Fred Allen
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My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.

Fred Allen
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I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.

Fred Allen
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