When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

Emo Philips
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Submitted by: TheQuoted

I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.

Emo Philips
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Submitted by: TheQuoted

I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.

Emo Philips
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Submitted by: TheQuoted