Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering.

Marilyn vos Savant
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He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.

Zsa Zsa Gabor
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Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

Phyllis Diller
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

Emo Philips
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I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

Lily Tomlin
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I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Woody Allen
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I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and Fries.

Stephen King
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I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

Steven Wright
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I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.

Warren Buffett
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I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.

David Letterman
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