I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

W. C. Fields
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I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty.

Imelda Marcos
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I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.

Joe E. Lewis
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I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.

Paula Poundstone
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I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.

Fred Allen
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I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.

Stephen Fry
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I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.

Samuel Goldwyn
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I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

Mitch Hedberg
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I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

Woody Allen
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I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.

Frank Sinatra
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